“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: