I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!