[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Inside you there are two wolves
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”