Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
my sentiments exactly
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.