My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Beware of fowl play.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”