They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time