Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.