Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
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Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!