Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
titanic
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus