School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
dude it’s called proctologist
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.