If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
You Might Also Like
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I told my vodka about you.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“i miss shittin on people”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.