Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
are there any atheist mantises?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Twitter fine art
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.