Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up