The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
this is so top tier i cant
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
🏙👨🏼
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.