I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit