Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear