You Might Also Like
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain