Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.