Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Don’t make me out nice you.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
the three branches of government
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.