I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
when u come home smelling like another dog
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*