It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!