“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Breaking news:
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes