Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel