Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
😏😏😏
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.