I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Put this video in the Louvre
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.