Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
For the ones in the back.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.