Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
You Might Also Like
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.