Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Good point.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?