Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes