Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
You Might Also Like
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐