My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Look at this
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how