Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.