FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Goodnight 🐶
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
me linking you to my twitter
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.