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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know