today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out