Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*