you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.