Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.