One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Seek kebab; not attention
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.