I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
This story is comedy gold 😂
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?