Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..