[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.