if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
You Might Also Like
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant