I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
first you must answer his riddles
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”