The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
bout dat hot dog summer
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”