“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?