My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“You’d better run, egg!”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice