Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
i’m sure it’s fine
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
😅🤣😂
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.