Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.