You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks